What she said...

I'm not one to argue with people about this kind of shit. I'd rather kick you in your crotch than spell it out for you.

By the power of the melchizedek priesthood which I do not hold because I don't have the right genitalia

Ok, ok, so the drought lasted almost 20 days. Lack of motivation can hit so unexpectedly. I just felt like being as lazy as possible before school starts, but I couldn't stand that gross crocodile picture any longer. For some reason it's just not funny anymore.

For those of you starting school this week: good luck, suckers. I'm right there with you. Do some of you remember your father giving you a back to school blessing before the new school year started (or have heard of such LDS traditions) or were your parents just not as righteous as mine...? Well I bless all of you have a safe productive school year, and that you don't suffer from sleeping problems and take a sleeping pill at two o'clock in the morning making it impossible for you to wake up at seven because the pill hasn't worn off yet and you go to your first day of school looking like a zombie because the medication says you should still be sleeping. Amen.

I'll do it in ONE!

El may have done this in three words, Errin may have done it in two, but I'm doing it in one, watch this...

What is missing from my life? :: coffee
Will I find love? :: lots
Will I become rich? :: no
Does someone have a crush on me? :: Errin
What is my favorite sexual position? :: alone (ha!)
Am I good looking? :: duh
What makes me the most happy? :: comics
What is my biggest regret? :: judging
How will I die? :: bang
Do I act my age? :: advanced
What type of tattoo should I get? :: nativeamerican
What is my spirit animal? :: mermaid
Do I like pain? :: umnotsomuch
Is there anyone else like me out there? :: skeptical
Do I love to party? :: aslongasIdonthavetoputanythingupmynose
Where should I move to? :: rez
Am I secretly gay? :: probably
Will I ever be president? :: gag
What is fun for me? :: friends
Will I ever learn to fly? :: alreadydidwhenIwassix
What is my super power? :: bj's
What can I do to move on? :: bj's


I tag Heather and Joni, Cousin Allison, and any other motherf*ers who feel like doing this. I dare someone to do this in using just half of a word...

This picture always makes me laugh

When I'm having a bad day I just look at this picture and laugh. Because, after all, at least that isn't my hand in that crocodile's mouth.

Speaking of sexy, and funny...

Some things aren't sexy. Like text message sex in Espanol, where you have to pause after each message to translate it to English using Google translator, then translate your reply from English to Espanol. Definitely takes the fun out of it. Except when the direct translation comes to "So is mom. I be your Daddy." Now thats just funny. And the robot voice on your phone that speaks your text messages, that'll suck the life right out of a dirty message. Not sexy, but also hilarious.

Staring at James Franco for 2 hours, now thats sexy (not the staring part, staring isn't sexy, it's creepy, but the James Franco part is sexy). I saw Pineapple Express last night. James Franco is hot! And I didn't know he was that funny (for all those who already did know he was that funny, forgive me for being behind the times). Seth Rogan was his typical comic self, and gave a great performance. But even disguised as a hippie stoner, Franco retains his SEX appeal. I cant emphasize that enough. I laughed a lot, I even screamed and gagged a time or two. It's just that good, and gross. I've never seen so much blood in a stoner movie before! But overall I thoroughly enjoyed it, and left the theater with my "bro's before hoe's" sense renewed.

Someone's having fun in Florida

The other day I received a phone call from a man saying that he was calling about my America First visa platinum and some suspicious charges. "Did you make a purchase at Jack's Surfboard Shop in Newport?" He asks. "Yes, I was in California all last week." I replied. "So you also made a $20 charge at McDonald's in California then?" He further inquires. To this I reluctantly reply yes. Patronizing McDonald's is embarrassing enough without people actually KNOWING you eat the crap there. There's nothing you can hide from these credit card people. They know where you spend your money, they know your dirty secrets, like that one time you visited the sex museum in paris and charged your admission, or purchased items from a London sex shop. And the most embarrassing, when you use it at the local planned parenthood!

Then the credit card man asks "What about fuel in Miami?"

"Uh, no. I have never been to Miami."

"All right, Miss, it seems someone has used your card to purchase $60 of fuel in Miami. I'm going to need more information..." He begins to ask me about my credit card, expiration date, credit card numbers, etc. RED FLAG! I think, and hang up on him. If he really were a credit card man, he should already know this.

I called my bank later on to inquire about this suspicious phone call and indeed someone in Florida has my credit card and is buying whatever they want with it. They canceled my PIN, my debit card, and credit card. Going 5 days without online banking has driven me nuts (cause I haven't had a pin to access my account)! I am a person of instant gratification. Who actually runs errands anymore when you have a computer with the interweb? Walk INTO a bank? Are you crazy? Who does that anymore? Luckily my credit card people are people of instant gratification/notification also. My stolen credit card situation could have been much worse had they not detected it so quickly, and I can bet my money back. Also, luckily banks still serve suckers at the cashier window making my trip inside worth the walk.

Just my first earthquake

I spent the morning spending money I didn't have with my little sister in some pretty cute Southern California shops. Shopping therapy. Or new wardrobe since I have to start dating again. Anyways, to get to the point, I start feeling shaky, then my sister looks me in the eye and I realize she's feeling shaky too, and I realize further that the whole store is feeling shaky. "Ash, we're in an earthquake!" Emily says. "We're in an earthquake!" I repeat. Everybody in the store stops, the light fixtures are shaking, and I'm scared/excited/freaked-out. Before I can process what our next move should be it stops. Come to find out the whole southern half of California was feeling shaky this morning, I'm sure most of you who read this will have already read about it online. We were pretty nervous, I didnt know what to do considering the only earthquake drills I've practiced were in elementary school and this store didnt have any desks to crawl under. Glad I stayed in CA for an extra few days, I might have missed this potentially dangerous event and wouldn't have any cool stories to relay back to ya'll. Dont worry. No major damage reported.

On a lighter note, or heavier, depending on how you look at it, Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles is pretty damn good eatin. Fried chicken and waffles and syrup go better together than I ever could have imagined.